Chapter 17 - What Sage Learned About Mara
When Sage turned twelve, she asked to hear Mara's recordings.
Not all of them.
The family therapist helped decide what was age-appropriate.
Gideon hated the phrase age-appropriate because it sounded like another adult deciding what Sage could know.
Then he realized adulthood required some deciding.
The difference was whether the decision served Sage or protected adults from discomfort.
They listened together in the green room.
Mara's voice filled the space.
She talked about St. Orla.
Her mother.
The notebook.
Her illness.
Then the part Gideon feared.
"Sage, if you're hearing this, I'm sorry I made you carry the gray suitcase."
Sage looked at him.
Mara continued.
"I told myself you were safer with the evidence than without it. That may have been true. It was still too much to put on a child."
Sage's eyes filled.
"You do not have to become me. You do not have to investigate anybody. You do not owe St. Orla your career, your anger, or your weekends."
Gideon looked down.
"And Gideon, if you're there, don't turn guilt into a parenting style."
Sage laughed through tears.
"She knew you."
"Apparently."
Mara continued.
"Do not buy her every impossible thing because you missed six years. She needs a father, not a reimbursement program."
Sage laughed harder.
Gideon felt personally attacked by a dead woman.
Fair.
The recording ended with Mara saying she loved Sage.
No clue.
No final accusation.
Just love.
Sage sat quietly.
Then asked, "Did Mom hate Aunt Corinne?"
Gideon thought.
"I think she was angry with her."
"Did she hate Nana?"
"I don't know."
"Did she hate you?"
Gideon swallowed.
"Sometimes, maybe."
Sage frowned.
"Can you love somebody and hate them sometimes?"
"I think you can hate what someone did."
"That's not what I asked."
Twelve-year-olds were worse than six-year-olds.
"Yes," Gideon said. "People can feel contradictory things."
Sage nodded.
"Good."
"Why good?"
"Because sometimes I'm mad at Mom for dying."
Gideon's chest broke open.
"That makes sense."
"It's stupid."
"A lot of grief is."
She leaned against him.
Then she asked to see the gray suitcase.
They brought it down from the attic.
The stickers were faded.
Glittering banana still intact.
Sage opened it.
Nothing hidden remained.
She put Mara's old stuffed fox inside.
Then zipped it.
"Can I take this to school trip next month?"
Gideon smiled.
"That's what suitcases are for."
The following month, Sage took it to Edinburgh with her class.
No notebook.
No evidence.
Socks.
Snacks.
A terrible raincoat.
Gideon considered that a victory.
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